Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
