you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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