im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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