Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
