Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
