I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
