I cannot find my penis.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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