I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
