Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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