Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
