it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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