piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
