you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
what is it with giant penises always finding me
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
