Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
