You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I will be naked everywhere
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
