An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
