when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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