we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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