I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
