i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Too much gin, very little bucket
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
