just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
