I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
