well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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