Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
