your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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