Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
