The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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