we made out on top of his cat.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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