Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
