I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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