I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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