I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
