I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
