theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
