Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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