so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
