I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
