Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
