the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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