im six kinds of drunk right now
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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