Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
