Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
