does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
