you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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