No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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