remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
