At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
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