remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
