i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i think i have herpe
just one?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Randomize
