A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
