How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
