He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
