Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
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