You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
