i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
